It seems we’re inching closer to Armageddon, the end of days, the last of the Autumn Sales, with diminishing opportunities to enjoy a really great cheesecake.

How do I know this?  Because I read the billboards, grasshoppers.  And the billboards here in my adopted hometown tell me that Judgement Day is scheduled for 21 May, 2011.  That’s a Saturday, and according to my funny little 2011 diary, it’s also Armed Forces Day.  I don’t know which Armed Forces, could be the Four Horsemen of the Royal Apocalypse Regiment, I guess – good old FH RAR.

Interestingly, my funny little diary continues through to the end of the year, so I suppose that’s a waste of paper.  I plan to make the most of those spare pages by doodling my way out of existence on 21 May while drinking tea, eating pizza and sliding that last delicious slice of cheesecake off the spoon and into my soon to be immolated innards.

So, to cut things short – I’m sure you’ll understand I don’t have time to dawdle – here’s the deal: use Saturday, 21 May 2011, as a Day of Decision.

Decide how you’re going to run the rest of your year, should the calculations prove to be incorrect – unlikely, n’est pas?

Decide how you’ll enjoy your second chance at life.

Oh, wait, no, it’s the third chance.  Apparently, the chap (one Harold Camping, an American) who made this prediction has been at it before.  The last Apocalypse, or ‘rapture’ was scheduled for September 4, 1994.  Hmmm.  I think I was out of town that day.  Anyhoo, third time lucky, as they say in Revelations.

There were, apparently, some miscalculations – pesky abacus – but we’re right now, and the revised date is soon upon us.  In the meantime, practice Duck and Cover with your nearest and dearest, and … DECIDE TO clean out your bathroom cabinet – you won’t need the rest of that 15-year old cough syrup this winter, after all (unless the label includes the words ‘Johnny’ and ‘Walker’).  But hang on to the moisturiser and the lavender oil – things could get a little hot and headachy sooner than we think.